THE MAGICAL STORY OF DEAN AND CAS - ALSO KNOWN AS CASTIDEAN
by SubtlePumpkin
Summary: The very untrue untold story of Dean and Cas. Destiel, Sabriel. Maybe more later on.
1. The Magical Meeting

**THE MAGICAL STORY OF DEAN AND CAS ALSO KNOWN AS CASTIDEAN**

Dean was just a sexy little boy in flanny. Sammy was his sexy brother. Cas was their fuckable angel. Probably gay, too.

The day Dean met Cas was a sexual one. Dean was obviously extremely hot from living in Canada - ah I mean America - and so took off all his clothes. Then HOLY SHIT an angel just bursts in and he's the most mother truckin attractive thing on the planet. Like, his eyes are as blue as a person's face when they choke. Obvs, Dean's eyes were as green as like grass or something.

Suddenly, their eyes had so much contact that they were magnetically attracted to each other and couldn't let go. To pass the time as they were connected, they made out for a good 8 hours. Then, naked, Sammy runs in and starts screaming, 'OH MY GOD MY SHIP MY SHIP'. He then steals Dean's clothes and burns them. He closes the door behind him and gallops away, turning into a moose/gigantor.

Dean realises he's deeply in love with Cas and so he decides to marry him while connected to him. Of course, Cas says yes because he's an angel and doesn't understand all the feels he's feeling.

While still connected, Cas realises he's having a baby. He screams and out pops a little bubba with one wing and one leg. Dean and Cas scream at their strange child thing. 'WHY DIDN'T WE BREAK AWAY WHILE WE COULD?' Dean screams.

'WE COULD HAVE BEEN DISCONNECTED? ARE YOU TRUCKIN SERIOUS RIGHT NOW DEAN PEOPLE DIED DURING OUR 20 YEARS TOGETHER I AM SO MAD AT YOU WE ARE SO OVER'.

And at these words, they broke apart. Cas then flew away and Dean fell to his knees, finding some clothes to put on. He cries for 8 years. In this time, Sammy has married 8 different angels and fucked over 20 demons. Due to all his sexiness, he is now made of gold. He can't help Dean. Dean is alone 5eva. No, even worse. 10EVA.

* * *

After another 340 years, Dean is still crying. Cas returns. Upon his arrival, Dean explodes from all the sexiness that has just arrived and dies. Cas cries for 2300 years. Sammy then walks in, naked, and makes out with Gabriel next to Cas. They live happily ever after, Gabriel and Cas sharing Sammy for sex for the rest of their infinite lives.


	2. The Fabulous Reunion

Cas was all alone, and after the past 3000 years of having sexual relations with Sammy, he'd had enough of getting hair in his mouth from Sammy's glorious locks. Cas had to find a new Dean to love. He regretted the day he broke away from him and he wanted those days back more than anything. Dean was his fluffy bunny. His fluffy maybe gay bunny.

Cas got online for the first time and searched for 'Dean fluffy gay bunnies'. To his surprise, he found many porn websites that had strange pictures of Dean in what Cas supposed were brick coloured pants. Cas loved these pants. He needed those pants. He knew if he got the pants he could make a magical connection to Dean's grave and raise him from the dead. So, he got to work.

Cas danced on the streets for 2 years. He raised over 2 million dollar pounds and was able to afford three pairs of brick pants. He wanted to keep two of the pairs for his drag queen purposes later in life, but he had to concentrate on the problem at hand.

Cas began the summoning ritual, placing the brickpants on a bed of pies. He then laid on top of the bed and started chanting 'DEAN, DEAN, DON'T BE MEAN I NEED YOUR LOVE TO BE SEEN, I AM CAS YOUR BABE OF SASS, DON'T YOU WANT MY PERKY ASS?'. Then, the entire world exploded.

* * *

Cas was floating through space, and he could see in the distance over 200 Dean lookalikes. He then saw him. The true Dean, crying. They were back together again, their true love never to be broken apart again. BUT WHAT? Cas suddenly had a change of mind. He didn't love those sexy green eyes anymore. He truly wanted to be a drag queen, so he left. Dean cried with unhappiness then. Dean was alone, alive and scared. The world had been destroyed. Cas was off being a drag queen with his favourite brickpants. He had no purpose, but to get his Cas back again. And he would. He knew he would.


	3. The Unique and Not Sexual One (HBR)

Dean, alone in this seemingly put back together world sits in the depths of a couch made of apple pie. Despite the deliciousness his butt is currently subject to he can't help but think of Cas and his true destiny to become a drag queen. Just like Cas, although Dean didn't know it, he wanted the name Castidean to remembered by all of the land. Unfortunately for Dean, Cas didn't want this anymore. It was hard enough knowing of his success as a drag queen, but to have it shoved down his throat as Cas' routine is broadcast on morning TV was a bit much. Dean knew if he wanted Cas and _his_ brick pants back he was going to have to work pretty hard. Dean knew how hard it was to make it as a drag queen so he understood why Cas wouldn't want Dean to dull his sparkle, but he had to try.

Dean thought of when they first met, the amount of nakedness, the many years they spent tied together and the struggles Cas went through to get Dean back. Why did Cas not love him anymore if he tried so hard to retrieve his lovely booty? Dean could never understand this. He didn't know what to do, so after an 8000 hour call with Sammy (popping Sammy's eardrums, may I add) he decided to give up on Cas. Cas did look good in a dress. No man should have their curvy skills taken away from them. Dean knew that. He always understood.

* * *

After working the stage for 29 years, Cas suddenly has a change of heart. He began to think of his first love, his Dean. Who would have thought that brickpants wouldn't always satisfy? This seemed insane to Cas, but he knew, in his cute little heart, that he loved his Dean. His the past few years, Cas had become accustomed to only being with angels, and they always seemed to be missing something. Balthazar's moustache didn't tickle his chin enough. Gabriel's butt just didn't satisfy his scale of flabby to perky - it was an 8 at best. Cas forgot all the other angels names. He was way too full of sass to remember anything else.

But it was this one day. This was one day he really started to notice that something was missing from his life. And he knew what it was. And he was going to get it.

* * *

After 8 years, Dean finally lifted himself from the depths of his couch. 12,367 pie cases fell from his butt. Dean groaned at the sight that surrounded him. He had let his unhappiness consume him and it disgusted him. Dean had been looking on search the web for any sign of Cas in the business. For some reason, all of his photos and videos had been taken offline. This confused Dean. Why would it have been taken down? Why did Cas steal his beautiful brickpants?

A loud crashy boom thing came from Dean's kitchen. "CRAP, MY PIES!", Dean exclaimed. He ran to the kitchen, but then fell, cause he hadn't moved in 8 years. After 2 years of physical therapy he began to walk to the kitchen. Cas, adorned in nothing but brickpants, sat on the bench.

'Hey.'

'Uh...hey'

'Just thought I might say hi.'

'Hi? Seriously? It's been 37 years Cas!'

'I know. I know. I'm sorry. Look, Dean. I was just doing so well in the drag queen indus...'

'Enough of your drag queen shit! You brought me back from the flipping grave, destroying the goddamn planet which miraculously came back, and then fled to become a drag queen! With my brickpants, may I add!'

Cas jumped off the bench. He sighed, making puppy dog eyes at Dean. Dean remembered the pies in the oven and proceeded to eat them straight away. Ain't no burning this tongue. This tongue made o' sass.

'I refuse to be with you, Cas.'

'I thought you might say that...look. I just want you to know that despite all the sex I had with other angels...'

'YOU WHAT'

'I WAS WEARING BRICKPANTS DEAN NO ONE COULD RESIST ME'

'Ugh.'

'...anyway. Despite all that, there was always something missing. It was your eyes Dean. They're as green as green could ever be. They're...dare I say it..._Fan fiction_ green.'

And at these words Dean fell to the ground. Suddenly the whole room was rumbling. Cas came closer to Dean, his eyes looking as though they wanted to eat him. Cas needed to have Deans eyes. He needed to eat Deans eyes.

6 years later, Cas touched Dean, and at this point the whole world exploded. Again.

* * *

The next decade Cas and Dean were floating in space. Throughout this time they had both been blinded by the amount of sass between them and so they didn't realise what had happened. It was terrible, it was terrifying. At Cas' touch, instead of getting Dean's eyes to eat, he turned into Dean. And well...Dean turned into Cas. They both got out their makeup mirrors, screaming.

'You're...'

'What the fu...'

'But how the...'

'Fanfiction gre...'

'WHAT THE HELL CAS!' Dean yelled. Cas didn't know what was going on, but all he knew is that he had Dean again. But he also knew Dean didn't want to be there. And as Dean, looking like Cas, floated away, Cas, looking like Dean, cried and howled into the night, realising this was the true end to their love story.

Or. Was. It.


	4. The Challenging Change

He looked at the mirror 24/7. He could not believe that the one thing he hated so much was the thing he had become. I mean, yes, he had looked at Cas' butt in the mirror but otherwise Dean was unhappy with this transformation. After all the strange things he had been through because of Cas, Dean had come to the conclusion that he was going to have to find some crazy voodoo witch lady child to change back. I mean 4 srs, it was all Freaky Friday up in this shiz wizzle and it was freaking him out. At least his voice hadn't changed. They were similar after all.

* * *

Through the magic of theatre, Sammy was still alive and the world had magically come back together. After 367 years Dean found him with Gabriel in a small country cottage. After the initial shock and Gabriel accidentally yelling at the Cas lookalike for giving him an 8/10 butt, Dean sat down with a slice of brie and tea. Yeah that's right. Tea. You can't spell gentlemen with te.

'How's everything, Sammy?'

'WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT'

'WOAH DUDE WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH Y-oh. Your ear. Woops. How is that going?'

'WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT'

'Yeah I'ma talk to Gab-dawg.'

'WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT'

Gabriel signed to Sammy that he was a 'Majestic moose. You're a majestic moose. Shh, bby. You iz ma gigantor. TTYL bby'. After this strange signing of slang (which Dean didn't even know was possible), Gabriel took Dean to another room.

'So, how did this all happen? Also, seriously. 8/10? Does he know what butt he's talking about?'

'Ah...look. As far as I know he still loves me. He said he wanted to eat my fanfiction green eyes. It was a little cray cray.'

'Well...that's ah. Yeah that's weird.'

'Seems pretty Cas to me.'

'I suppose. Look, be honest with me. I mean it's fine now because I've moved on to my beautiful moosey, but do you still care about Cas?'

Dean didn't know what to think. He looked down at himself. At the curves, the wrinkles; the minor imperfections of Cas that make him so perfect and he just felt the need to slap his own butt. His very own Cas butt. He did miss him...but he was so flippin hot damn mad.

'Yeah. I do. I just...'

'I know dude. I mean. Seriously. 8/10.'

'I get it. Please. Please stop.'

'Shut yo mouth boi I iz helpin yo Cas ass.'

'Ugh, fine. Sorry. I've just been through so much with him and I don't know if I want to go back if he's just going to hurt me again.'

'I know brochicko. Look, this is what you've gotta do. Find that bitch, get him, and make out with him. If he doesn't take your luscious lips for what they are then he don't know what he is missin because gurrrrrrrrl if you iz anything like yo brother then he should know that he is missin out on some serious sensations.'

'Well. You just ruined my life.'

'GO CHILD, FLAIL. FIND THAT MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE YOU AND MAKE OUT WITH YOURSELF BUT ACTUALLY IT'S CAS.'

'Well that hurt my brain. See ya dude. Go ah...make out with my deaf brother or something.'

'To be honest with you dude, I'm kinda getting sick of how he...'

Without hearing the rest of Gabriel's sentence, Dean had run away to the mountains. He found so many look a likes and every time he saw one his love grew stronger. It killed him every time but he knows it was only going to make him stronger. After 34 years, he finally found him.

* * *

Sitting in a pool of marshmallows was Cas. Sure, he looked like Dean, but the way he held his face was so much more different...he was so...so...happy? Though Cas didn't know it, Dean watched from a far as he saw a figure looming towards Cas.

'Hey, schnookums.'

'Hey beb.'

'Do you wanna make out for 567 years? It's not like he's coming back anytime soon.'

'Yeah sure, Balthy.'

Balthy? Who was 'Balthy'? Dean couldn't think. Then his brain exploded.

'BALZATHAR, REALLY?'

Cas and Balthy-dawg jumped up from their almost 567 year makeout session.

'Dean!', Cas exclaimed.

'Dean...'Balthy-bromigo trailed off.

'Dean, mutha trucka.' Dean said.

Cas stood up, looking as if he was going to explain.

'YOU KNOW WHAT CAS. I don't want to hear it. Nuh uh. No more of this crazy shit. Don't touch me with your magic. Stop making the world explode. Stop doing crazy shit that doesn't make any sense.'

'Dean...you don't understand. All of this...all you're going through. It's part of a plan. A plan I can't disclose and I am so sorry but all I can tell you is this crazy will never end. You're never going to know anything until the end...if there is one. All you need to know now is that I love you. I'm sorry I went to Balthazar. I needed comfort and he was there. I just...I needed something to hold on to to remind me of the good times I had with you rather than the bad I saw in the reflection. Dean, if you want to change back, I have the power to do so, I just don't know what will happen afterwards.'

Dean thought about this 5eva. He didn't know if he could handle any more craziness in his life, but he knew he wanted things back to normal and he supposed he was kind of happy that maybe his time with Cas wasn't up.

'Yeah. Yeah do it.'

'Ok, hold on.'

Cas walked up to Dean and started dancing. From his pockets he threw pies at both of their faces chanting 'Ermergerd, we want our bodies, can't you see we are srs hotties?'. At this, they turned back into their natural forms, and nothing crazy seemed to have happened. They hugged for 6 decades. It was magical and beautiful, but then...

'Hey Dean, I want to ask you something...'

'Yeah, Cas?'

'OH HEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLL NO. OK UH UH. BALTHY AIN'T SITTING HERE. NO ONE USES BALTHY. NO ONE. CAS, YOU HURT ME FOR THE LAST TIME. YOU HURT US ALL FOR THE LAST TIME. IMA TAKE U AWAY BOI. COME NOW.'

At these words Cas was being dragged by a magical sex force that protruded from Balthazar's moustache. Dean watched, not being able to do anything, as his love was taken away. He didn't even get to hear the end of Cas' question.

'If you want him, come and blame him.'

'Wait...what? Bla...'

'You heard me bitch.'

Balthazar then flew away on a magical carpet of dreams and nightmares while holding Cas to his bosom. Dean sat in the same position and cried for 53870 years. After his whiny bitchy moan, he finally got up. He had to get Cas back. He wasn't sure how, but he was going to do it. Castidean would ring through the highest towers of the north. Brickpants would be the national flag of Castidean. Heck yeah. HECK. YEAH.


End file.
